Challenges

I'm so terribly, awfully sorry. I really am. I do feel so, so guilty. And I promise I won't ever leave this place again for so long (but don't quote me on that).

I think I have written it before - if I'm not here it usually means I'm busy. Terribly busy. I am, I promise!

First of all, there's work. It's kind of like starting a new project and that's a lot going on and there's a lot to be taken care of. There's a new boss, and new co-workers and new office. So it feels a bit like a new job altogether. Despite the fact that I'm really doing the same thing, just more of it. So, really no more boring lunch breaks to be spent writing. Nope. No lunch breaks in fact, most of the time.

Then, as you already know me, there's a lot of projects outside of work. The writing group's blooming and I've not only been busy writing but also networking for future projects. It takes a lot of time, it does. But then it makes me burst with pride when I get to collate a brochure containing our best pieces of writing. It's exciting, even though a lot of stuff is not of an overwhelmingly great value. But hey, we are not professionals. Though we work hard and we even are organising ourselves some workshops. No joke.

Then there are side-projects when I'm giving other people a hand. Like this one. (scroll down to read the English version). And this project inspired me to write today's post (with a very long introduction and much shorter explication).

I used to be almost clinically shy (if there is a concept of shyness as a disease). Not many people could say, cause I probably seemed quite bubbly - but I was shy, extremely shy. So shy that I would avoid doing certain things if they involved: public speaking, ice-breaking, small talk, meeting too many new people, doing anything that required me to go anywhere on my own. I'm not joking here. I was even terrified of the mere idea of going to the university in a different city. I used to write scripts for high school plays but gladly avoided playing any of the parts, save for the ones who had no more than one line to say. I was a bit of a nerd. And sociopath in some ways. And then, I surprised even myself by choosing to study a subject that required me to gain people's skills - and as quickly as possible. That's when my programme of challenging myself dates back to.

I can't say that I've possessed all those skills by now, but at least I've learnt very well how to give the impression that I have, which is almost as good. Nobody knows when I'm nervous (which simply makes me less nervous), nobody knows I have no interest in small talk (well you do - cause I told you), nobody knows I feel a bit embarrassed if I'm the only person who doesn't know anybody (until I say that, which is a very good way to actually stop felling that). But there's still skills I haven't mastered and probably even avoided mastering. Public speaking is one of them. Or should I actually say - public reading. Especially in English. I can speak in public well enough. I've hosted meetings and did quite all right, if I was well-prepared (and I was, cause I'm a bloody perfectionist). But reading is a completely different thing, and if there's a microphone included, it scares the hell out of me.

So when I've been asked to give a talk (a short one, mind you) about the poet who inspired the spectacle I've mentioned above, it was a challenge. Preparing the talk was not. The fact that most likely I'd have to read it was (cause with my poor memory I could never learn two pages by heart - and anyway if I tried to then say them from memory it might end up in a disaster). And man, wasn't that terrifying. Friends say it went well, but you know, I'm a perfectionist. Sounding like a breathless squeaky-voiced teen is not well at all. I probably need classes if I'm going to do it more often, I have absolutely no clue how to breathe when I'm reading. And my accent gets so awful that I can't even listen to myself. Shoot me now.

But well. I did it. Twice in Polish and twice in English.The fourth time it sounded much better than the first time, even though my mouth was dry not only because I was so bloody nervous, but because I've had one gin and tonic too many on Saturday night. I did it, I challenged myself and I'm proud. I might consider doing it again, but public speaking classes might need to be attended. Or at least I might ask some of my performing arts friends to teach me how to breathe.

Cause, you know, that might be the trick. And I just need to learn a new one.